Imagine Tiger Woods stepping up the podium with a guitar in hand to sing his apology to the world. "I’m sorry/Please forgive me/I shouldn’t have cheated on my wife and crashed my car into a tree!" Perhaps he could have sung his way to the green jacket?
Or, how 'bout your morning cup of coffee. I bet it might go down easier if the barista sang "Here's your mochachino/ it's steamy, nice and hot./It's made with two percent milk/and I added an extra shot."
Perhaps I should stick to my day job?
Anyway...for this WEBWAY WEDNESDAY…here are some examples of things better left off said than sung.
Has an inflated subprime mortgage left you broke? Not to worry! This new Broadway-style song "Bet Against the American Dream," written by Avenue Q’s Robert Lopez and sung by Broadway vets John Treacy Egan (Bye, Bye Birdie, The Little Mermaid) and Christian Borle (Legally Blonde, Mary Poppins) is so catchy, you’ll be humming it even as the bank comes to repossess your home. Ah...a silver lining!
Hmm…there’s something about Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul and Mary) singing about getting a colonoscopy that doesn’t quite feel right. I’m all for awareness, but I’m not sure that anyone is going to see their Proctologist and say, “You know what, doc? I was going to skip the colonoscopy this year, but then I heard this song and I totally changed my mind!” Lyrics include: "When I had my Colonoscopy I had a question on my mind/ Do we all look the same when the doctor sees us from behind?" and "My colon's really cool. My colon's really cool!" Ew.
McSweeneys.net has posted a series of “Fake Celebrity Musicals” written by Ben Greenman. They include…
Edwards! The Musical! Here's an excerpt.
I'm running for president,
The highest office in the land.
Look, I'm right there in the mirror,
Smoothing my hair down with my hand.
I am handsome. Yes, it's true.
And I am wealthy: that's true, too.
But superficial things like that,
Well, they're just not where I'm at.
You see, I care about the poor.
I often fret about their plight.
I adore the way I look
In this smoky barroom light.
Hi, I'm Lisa.
I mean Rielle.
Will you take me
To a hotel?
Or this excerpt from Spitzer! The Musical
I do deserve expensive sex.
That is absolutely true.
The rarest carnal luxury
Suits a great man through and through.
This long and steep road of achievement—
My climb up to the heights of power—
Has brought me to the point where I
Can pay 2,000 bucks an hour
For a woman to have sex with me.
I once was blind but now I see.
My name is "Kristen"—it's in quotes.
Does someone want to sow his oats?
Actually...I take that back. I would definitely see Spitzer! the Musical.