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I'm back on dry land. The sixth R Family cruise has ended and I'm in my typical post-vacation depression. Let me cheer myself by describing everything.

First of all, I need to tell you about the Chatterbox I did before I left with the star of The Little Mermaid, Sierra Boggess. Turns out, Sierra grew up in Denver and spent her childhood training as an ice skater! It sounded so fun and I began to regret that I didn't spend my childhood doing it until she told me that she didn't train after school, she trained before…at 5 AM. What the — ? The only reason I'd have gotten up that early as a child would be if Patti LuPone had rung my doorbell. And even then I would have made her wait in the living room while I made my coffee.

Sierra said that she did competitions as an ice skater but never came in first place. I mock-judged her for not winning and she hauled out this hilarious self-hating quote: "Second-place is the first loser." It's so negative, I love it! Sierra moved to New York after college and came very close to getting a Broadway show…Good Vibrations. Suffice it to say, she's not devastated that she wasn't cast. Her first big break was getting the national tour of Les Miz as the "hair hag." I started singing, "Come here, my dear. Let's see this trinket you wear…" and she immediately corrected me by saying, "That's the locket crone." Hmm. Why does the Hair Hag have alliteration and the Locket Crone doesn't? Why not the Locket Lady? Or the Necklace Nag? She then gave me more insight into the Les Miz character track world by telling me that the Hair Hag role is known as the "Snack Track" because it has so little to sing. In "At the End of the Day" she only sings "…and in a bed." Then after her hair hag section she has no other solo til Act Two during "Turning" when she sings "…nothing ever will." She said one time the woman soloing before her forgot to stop and sang the first and second part: "Nothing changes… nothing ever will." Poor Sierra heard "Nothing Changes" and started to sing "Nothing e-" and watched as the last two syllables of the precious five she got to sing in Act Two were sung by another. Of course the rest of the song was spent trying to hold in laughter. She said that "Turning" is the big church laughter song because all the women have just been off-stage chitty-chatting but suddenly they're onstage, looking each other in the eye solemnly and singing a sad song. Sierra said the juxtaposition of worlds was too much and there wasn't one performance where someone didn't have to turn upstage to suppress their laughter.

While doing Les Miz in DC, she took a train to NYC to try out for the Vegas production of Phantom. After her audition she got on the train back to DC with plenty of time, but someone had committed suicide on the tracks so her train was delayed. I said that her consternation reminded me of Tracy in Hairspray apologizing for being late ("Stupid bus crash"). She had never called out of a show before and was freaking, but her friend told her that first time is the hardest and she had to tell the truth. Her stage manager was super nice and, even though she got there incredibly late, she was still able to go on (due to the fact that Les Miz is three hours long…Cosette hadn't even come onstage yet!). She got a call-back for Phantom and thinks of that as her Broadway debut — because it was onstage at the Ambassador Theater. In the audience were Hal Prince, Gillian Lynne and Andrew Lloyd Webber! Her call-back was at 9:30 in the morning and by 11 AM she had gotten the call from her agent that she got Christine!

While on vacation in New York during her Vegas run, she got the audition to play the Little Mermaid. Unfortunately, the night before her audition she got food poisoning and wound up in the hospital! She was determined to get the role and showed up and sang the next day. She didn't hear anything until months later right after a bikram yoga class — the kind where they heat the room to 100 degrees.

I asked her why she would take something like that in Vegas and she said she loves hothouse yoga because it's so difficult that you sometimes feel like you're going to die…but then the class ends and you get the good feeling of knowing you're still alive. I guess it's like when I watched "From Justin to Kelly" and thought I was going to die of boredom, but when it ended, I had the pleasure of knowing I was still alive and would never have to worry about those two starring opposite each other ever again.

Anyhoo, right after class she got a call from her agent saying that they wanted to see her again for Ariel. She had to fly herself and it cost $700! I couldn't believe she had to pay for it herself and told her to submit Disney the receipt (which she still has). The callback was around five hours long and I asked her if it was all about working the Heelys they have to wear to look like they're swimming. Turns out, that part of the audition was only ten minutes at the very end. She had spent hours in Vegas in her garage (which was all cement) spinning around on Heelys that she borrowed from her dresser. Why a grown woman would have Heelys readily available to lend to someone is a question that remains unanswered. Sierra had to wait a full three days, as opposed to the one hour she had to wait for Phantom. She was driving in her car, and her agent called. When Sierra answered, her agent said, "Ariel?" Of course, Sierra began crying and then drove around with the top down, blasting "Yentl." Are we twins?

Sierra was so happy, but the more she thought about it, the more she didn't believe it. It seemed too amazing to be true. She didn't tell anybody (even her parents!) because she thought she'd misheard and finally, after two days, called her agent to make sure that she really had the part. The answer was a definite yes and now she's playing Ariel eight times a week! I asked her what the hardest part was and she said she thinks it's the kind of role she'll look back and think, "Wow, that show was hard." She has to deal with manipulating her tail, being half-naked and working those Heelys. Then when she first thought about the show, she figured, "Ah… I lose my voice at the end of Act One so I can rest it all during the second act." No. Turns out, she's able to sing her thoughts. And in the scenes where she can't sing, she has to get her point across by wildly gesticulating. So, all in all, Ariel ain't the "snack track."

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All right, now the cruise. I finished filming the Legally Blonde reality show for MTV which was super fun. I got so emotional during the finale seeing my girls sing with the orchestra that I totally teared up. Of course I was thinking "I'm so proud of these girls" mixed with "This is great TV, those cameras better be catching this." I've watched enough "Top Model" and/or "Chef" to know what works. Right after the finale, I hightailed it to the airport to catch a plane to Puerto Vallarta to meet the Rosie cruise halfway through their trip. Well, my plane was supposed to make a stop in Dallas but because of tornadoes down there, they cancelled the flight! I was devastated (stupid bus crash) til they got me another flight that flew into Mexico City and would allow me to connect to Puerto Vallarta. It was great being back on an R Family Vacation and seeing so many people I've seen for the past six cruises. The first night Jack Plotnick and I did our show called Mortification Theater, where we re-enact and reclaim devastating moments from our childhoods. I showed my signature: a video of me jazz dancing to the disco version of "I Am What I Am" wearing purple plastic jazz pants, leg warmers and white Capezios (I thought white was better for my line).

Jack told two devastating stories about childhood disappointment using visual aids. When he was five, he desperately wanted a certain bird marionette that had stunningly colored feathers everywhere, piercing eyes and literally looked like a beautiful Disney character. He showed a photo of himself on his birthday with an enormous smile because his parents had just told him that he had a surprise coming…one that he had asked for! Suddenly, out comes his father with a marionette. Jack showed us the picture. It was not the marionette Jack wanted but one that was essentially made of three big Styrofoam balls glued together that had wings attached to it made out of cotton balls. The next shot is of Jack's brother playing with the marionette and Jack looking emotionally shut down. Then, when he was a pre-teen, he begged his parents to get him a Commodore computer for Hanukkah. They soon started hinting that they got him a certain present he had asked for. Hanukkah came and he ran downstairs and suddenly saw a wrapped present that was the shape of a computer! He then showed a picture of the present he got: a computer...shaped pillow. What?!?!?! Then we saw the pictures his parents took of him, sitting and "typing" on the computer with a people-pleasing, co-dependant "everything's great" smile. He said he completely understood why his parents would think they're both comparable presents. He showed four pictures of different activities on a computer: "On a computer I can do schoolwork, work with friends, research and play games." Then he showed four shots of a head on a pillow. "On a computer-shaped pillow I can hit the hay, nap, catch 40 winks, and go night-night. It's the same thing."

The next night was a show called Kids Belters which I first thought would star Danielle Brisebois and Shelley Bruce, but the show was actually the Broadway entertainers of the boat singing songs for kids. Julia Murney sang "Do-Re-Mi" and I was so impressed by how she sounds in head voice. Not that I ever want her to do it again. I'd better not hear any other signature belters discover their hidden head voices. Eden Espinoza, I don't care if you can sing it, stay the hell away from the role of Glinda.

	Seth Rudetsky and Gavin Creel
	photo by Michael Warwick

 Continued...