By Seth Rudetsky
01 Dec 2008

And now to "Rosie Live." Right after I interviewed the Altar Boyz, I hightailed it to the Little Shubert Theatre where the "Rosie Live" show was rehearsing for the last time. I watched a run-thru of the show and afterwards met with the creative team to talk about the show. The Clay Aiken appearance was basically Clay coming onstage in Spamalot drag while he and Rosie talked about how much they have in common; they both love Broadway, they both began on reality shows, and they both have a son named Parker. Then they would say that there was one more thing they have in common but they can't remember what it is. They'd rack their brains for a bit, not think of it, and then Clay would leave for his show. We felt that the sketch had no ending. I finally suggested that Rosie say: "I've got it, Clay! It's so obvious what we have in common. We're both Gay…briel Byrne fans!" Then Clay would gush about how much he loved "The Usual Suspects" and exit. Well, I thought it was a funny double-talk ending to the sketch...and was mortified to see it busted in every review of the show! The Hollywood Reporter called it "lame," and the L.A. Times called it "the world's most painfully long gay joke." Ouch! Um…any publicity is good publicity?

Hunter Foster wrote the Urinetown-inspired sketch with Jen Cody as Little Sally and Rosie as Officer Lockstock. Rosie wasn't at the Tuesday run-thru so the other writer, Eric Kornfeld, and I played the roles, which was super fun (see side picture). I loved the jokes in that sketch. When referencing the performance of Anti-Gravity, a gymnastic group that at one point was spinning rugs frantically, Little Sally said, "I haven't seen rugs spin that fast since Donald Trump auditioned for 'Dancing With the Stars.'" Hilarious! She ended with, "I got my own problems, Officer Lockstock. Bill O'Reilly just 'friended' me on Facebook." I literally laughed out loud when I read that in the script. Cut to The New York Times said Rosie's show had a Nixon-like hit list busting her enemies. Turns out, everything I liked was hated? I wrote one joke for that sketch which, thankfully, got a big laugh and wasn't dished in a review.

LITTLE SALLY: Rosie O'Donnell? Did I see her on "Celebrity Fit Club"?
OFFICER LOCKSTOCK: No, Little Sally.
LITTLE SALLY: I didn't think so.

On the day of the show, I watched Liza Minnelli and Rosie rehearse "City Lights," and it was so exciting. The orchestra (conducted by Kevin Stites) sounded great, and even though Liza wasn't singing out, she still has such a unique, powerful way of dancing that was thrilling to see from the first row. Then came the rehearsal with Alec Baldwin. Alec had wanted to come on the show delivering Rosie's door that would open to reveal the visiting stars (First one: Conan O'Brian). He'd hit Conan in the face with a pie when he appeared and then have Rosie hit him in the face with a pie as a follow-up. But, while rehearsing it with two stand-ins, Rosie felt the pies were way too messy and should be cut because the cream was all over her hands/outfit and all over the floor. We finally figured out that there could be less cream in the pie so it didn't get all over the floor and that only Conan should be hit with the pie by Alec. Well, right before the show, Alec Baldwin was backstage ready to put on the plastic smock he was going to wear in the scene so he wouldn't get pie all over his clothes. But since we were ixnaying him getting a pie in the face, it wouldn't have made any sense for him to wear the plastic coat, and he wasn't dressed well enough for TV. We frantically looked for a suit jacket and one of the producers (ironically, also named Liza) asked her boyfriend, who was in the audience, for his jacket. Alec put it on, looked sassy, and we were all relieved. Cut to the next day, one of the reviews mentioned that Alec appeared in a "jacket two sizes too small." Ouchy wowy!

Before the show began, backstage was crammed with people, and I heard Rachael Ray rehearse the one line she had in the holiday song Gloria Estefan wrote. After she sang, Rachael laughed and commented: "I sound that way because I'm pre-op." I gave her a brava because I thought she was joking about having a low voice because she's transitioning to a man...but turns out she was talking about getting surgery over the holidays for a benign cyst that's affecting her voice. I hope it doesn't change her voice too much…I love her raspy/Andrea McArdle quality!

At around 7:50 PM, I hightailed it to the "truck." That's where all the technical stuff was happening. I was there so the executive producer could tell me if the show was running long or short ('cause it was live) and, if so, I would get on my headset and talk to Eric (the other writer) backstage who would tell the teleprompter person what to cut or add. It was very exciting/nerve-wracking being in the truck. There were around 15 different TV screens on the wall representing all of the different cameras, and the director was constantly yelling which one he wanted. ("One! Go! Go to five! GO! Back to One, one one!!!!! Pull out!!") Right next to me was the lighting designer, who was also yelling cues the whole time. I was incredibly anxious and realized it wasn't just because of the frantic activity all around me, but because I had two big jokes in Rosie's opening monologue. She told us that she wanted to talk about wearing Spanx and asked for some "hits," as we call it in the biz. I was so excited when she picked mine but then terrified that they would elicit crickets. It would be an awful way to start the show. She came out, looking glam and asked the crowd:

"How do I look? I haven't had surgery, I just got Spanx.
Do you know what that is?
It's an industrial strength girdle…super-sized.
It's essentially a onesie for chubby 40-somethings."

That got a really big laugh, and I felt relief flood through me. Then she talked about how it doesn't actually get rid of fat, it just pushes and smushes all of it upwards. She then pointed to her boobs and said, "These are actually my thighs." When that joke got a big laugh and then applause, I literally started crying. I was so nervous it was going to tank, I literally wept tears of joy. Cut to the next day, the reviews talked about her tired Spanx jokes. What the-? Tears of sadness?

It was one of the times where you have no idea what the reaction is. After the show, the audience was in a great mood and so was everybody at the after-party. It wasn't until I started reading the reviews that I realized the pilot was going to be it, and there'd be no series.

All in all, it was a great experience, and the reason I'm not that devastated the pilot failed is because it tanked for the right reason. A lot of times, Broadway shows bomb because there's a big committee that decides everything, and all the decisions are diluted. No one takes responsibility for anything. Rosie really was the head of the show, and every decision was approved through her. She wrote on her blog that it was the show she wanted to do, and even though she's disappointed it didn't work out, she had a great time doing it... and I agree! It's much better to fail with your own vision than to fail with the regret of having your vision compromised.

Finally, let me give another shout-out to Norm Lewis' new CD "This Is The Life" available on CDBaby.com. I did a full video deconstruction of his brilliant version of "Before the Parade Passes By" and "This Is The Life" (where he hits a high C!!!!) on my website, www.SethRudetsky.com. Tonight is his CD release party at Joe's Pub, so get thee downtown!

OK, I'll write again next Monday…the first day of Gypsy of the Year, which I'm so excited to be hosting!!!! Tickets at www.bcefa.org…where you can also get some amazing holiday Broadway-themed gifts. Tons of autographed CDs and books and so much more! Peace out and enjoy your leftover turkey…or for my fellow vegetarians, left-over tofurkey…which actually sounds less gross than it actually is.

*

(Seth Rudetsky is the host of "Seth's Big Fat Broadway" on SIRIUS Satellite Radio and the author of "The Q Guide to Broadway" and the novel "Broadway Nights." He has played piano in the orchestras of 15 Broadway musicals and hosts the BC/EFA benefit weekly interview show Seth's Broadway Chatterbox at Don't Tell Mama every Thursday at 6 PM. He can be contacted by visiting www.sethrudetsky.com.)