*****

It's so fun to pack.

That's right, I'm starting my column with a lie.

We officially move into our new apartment this week, and although the end result will be delicious, the lead-up is a headache. When James suggested we start getting cardboard boxes, I insisted that we buy them from a box store. I told him that cardboard boxes taken off the street can have roaches in them, and I don't want to bring that into our new place. I trotted off to my neighborhood store and spent around $100 on not that many boxes. I was a little taken aback by dropping so much cash on what's essentially an empty box. A few days later I saw some empty boxes in front of The Body Shop. I decided they can't possible have roaches because it's a cosmetic store, so I snatched them off of the street and brought them home. Then I went and bought more boxes, shelling out more buckage. After checking my receipt I'd finally had it. Suffice it to say, I've gotten so poor from this move that I went from not even looking at discarded boxes on the street for fear that a roach will jump into my eye to roaming my neighborhood at all hours of the day, snatching up boxes that have obviously been filled with food and awkwardly hauling them, five at a time, to my apartment. I've decided that investing in a roach motel is cheaper than funneling money into the cardboard box racket that's making millionaires out of the makers of 16 x 12.5 x 10 boxes.

Wednesday I did my Sirius/XM Live on Broadway show and had Alysha Umphress as my first guest. She sings every Friday night in The After Party at the Laurie Beechman Room and the last time I wrote about her, I mentioned her amazing version of "The Simple Joys of Maidenhood." I just found it online and put it on my website (SethRudetsky.com). Take a gander at her smooth, jazzy riffs (something I never thought would be said in conjunction with a Camelot song). Plus, I'm loving listening to her CD as I pack. Go to www.Alyshaumphress.com and buy it ASAP . After Alysha, I chatted with Norm Lewis, who I've always lauded as my favorite male singer. Turns out, he didn't go right into singing after high school. He grew up in Orlando, and in college he was a business major and then worked in an advertising firm! I can never understand how some people can have so much talent and not pursue show business. When you have a gift like that, how can you not use it? Whenever I ask, people respond by saying that Broadway is unsteady and unreliable. That's crazy! Why, look how many long-running shows are still going strong, night after n-. Oh. Hmm…does the Orlando school of business take personal checks?

Anyhoo, Norm would get his artistic fix by singing in local talent contests based on "Star Search." For you young folks, that's "American Idol" without the mean parts. And it featured something that we in the eighties called "Spokesmodels." Anybody? Nobody. Norm won and got offered a job on a cruise ship. He asked his boss whether he should leave his job, and she told him that he "didn't want to be 80 years old saying Could Woulda Shoulda." So he took that gig and then moved to New York. His first theatre job up here was in a half Equity, half non-Equity production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat music directed by…me! During the run, I remember telling my friend Jason (who played Benjamin) that Norm was crazily talented. I still agree… 20 years later! And I mean actually 20 years (it was 1989) as opposed to my mother's version of twenty years (10-12 years… My mother feels that any number can be exaggerated up or down for effect.) Actually, like my mother, I've been saying I've known certain friends for 20 years when it's been much less time than that, but now I'm finally old enough to have friends I've known that long. I guess that feels good. Or devastating…I can't decide. Wait, I just decided. I need to take a "look in the mirror while pulling my face up" break.

Okay, I'm back. I asked Norm about the "heelies" that the cast of The Little Mermaid wears so they can wheel around to create the illusion of swimming. He said that they're around two inches off the floor, and it was decided that his character (King Triton) would wear them very sparingly because no matter how masculine you are, if you're wearing two-inch heels, there's the essence of estrogen in the air. Norm then sang two songs ("Rain" from Once on This Island and "This Is the Moment"), and the audience went crazy. You can hear the interview on my Sirius/XM show this Friday at 7 PM EST. And you can get Norm's CD from his brand-new website, www.NormLewis.com. He's gonna be singing stuff from his CD on Jan. 28 at the Lincoln Center Barnes and Noble at 6 PM, and I'll be playing for him…and deconstructing!  Continued...