By Seth Rudetsky
23 Mar 2009

Seth with James and Juli

Hello! I am in my lovely two-bedroom condo in Florida facing the lake.

And by "my condo," I mean the one I have to vacate within 12 hours. I flew down to Orlando to perform at The Parliament House, and they housed me in an amazing time-share right next door to the theatre. It's literally two bedrooms, a balcony, three bathrooms and the master bathroom has an enormous shower and a Jacuzzi. Delicious. James and Juli came down with me, and we've had a great time. The one devastating thing is how nice Michael Wanzie is. He's the guy that booked me here, and when we got here, he left all these presents for Juli as well as romantic candles set up around the Jacuzzi for me and James and snacks for all of us. What's the devastating part? I literally ate all of the snacks within one hour (60 minutes). All except the healthy ones (dried cranberries). At twenty minutes I downed the trail mix (under the guise of it being "good for me" but frankly, it's essentially a bag of fat with dollops of M&M's) and by minute 59, I polished off a whole bag of Poppycock which, James informed me, has 1,700 calories. Luckily, it's the winter, and I can dress in layers to conceal my weight gain. What? Spring just began and Orlando's weather is in the high 70's? And I stupidly brought shorts and tank tops with me? Wow. Question: Can you purge in a Jacuzzi?

Speaking of Orlando, the tour of Song and Dance went through here in the late 80's, and Scott Wise once told me that he and Danny Herman were pulling pranks on the cast non-stop. At the top of the second act, the fabulous dancer Cynthia Onrubia would give a big shout-out to whatever city they were in. She'd stand center stage and yell "Hello, Spokane!" or "Hello, Detroit!" Well, when they got to Florida, Scott told Cynthia that Orlando isn't really pronounced "Orlando." He said that insiders always pronounce it "O-Lando" and that the people who lived here would think she's totally in-the-know if she pronounced it like a true native. Cynthia, remembering that he was a prankster, completely ignored him and the show went on without a hitch. Actually, that's what should have happened. Instead, she believed him (!) and in front of thousands of Orlando citizens, she stood centerstage and proudly yelled, "Hello, O-Lando!!!!" Silence. I'm obsessed with what the audience thought. Cynthia is Asian-American, so maybe they thought it was an accent they'd never before heard??? Or they simply recoiled in derision and confusion while the rest of the cast (and Melissa Manchester) cackled.

Anyhoo, on Friday James, Juli and I spent the day at SeaWorld where we got in for free because of Wanzie's finagling (Michael calls himself by his last name and it was hilarious to hear Juli say "Hi, Wanzie!"). A note about amusement parks: When I was a kid, I loved roller coasters, but once I went through puberty I got motion sickness. So, there was a lot of me standing and watching them go on the water flume ride (yes, even that makes me sick) and the terrifying Kracken roller coaster, which I renamed the Crack Who*e. The next day, I taught a four-hour master class while they went to the Magic Kingdom. The crazy thing about this trip was that when James and Juli went on the SeaWorld flume ride, the ride stopped right before the end, and they couldn't exit 'til it got fixed. It finally moved after around five minutes, I assumed it was a fluke and they then went on the Krak. As the roller coaster started climbing up the enormously high track before the first plunge, it stopped! I took a picture because it was bizarre looking (see sidebar). Then, that night we went to Epcot and as we rode the Space Ship Earth, the ride stopped! The next day they were at Magic Kingdom, and when they got on Splash Mountain, their car stopped right before the final plunge — for 20 minutes! And, I just got off the phone with James (they left a day before me) and on the train ride home from Newark, the train stopped and they had to get out. Apparently James/Juli and anything that rides on a track do not go together. They are forbidden from auditioning for Starlight Express. Not because the whole show is on tracks around the theatre, but because it always gives me a headache trying to figure out what Dinah is spelling when she sings "U.N.C.O.U.P.L.E.D."

On Saturday night, I did my Deconstructing Broadway show. The good news is the audience was fantastic, and the show was sold-out! The bad news is that while I was rushing to the theatre, I neglected to close the door to our condo, and James and Juli got home to the apartment door ajar, which was followed by James creeping through the apartment tentatively saying "…Hello?" and slowly opening up closet doors and throwing the sheets off the bed to see if anyone was hiding underneath them. I got home to significant glaring and a severe talking to about safety. From Juli. The last part is a lie, but I thought it was a good button, comedy-wise.

The whole week began with a glamorous theatrical event. James and I got to go to the opening night of Rooms: A Rock Romance, which was great. I was really impressed with the writing because I think it's very difficult to tell a two-person story with mostly songs and although I first thought it was crazy that it was set in Scotland, I then thought it was the coolest idea in the world! The two leads, Leslie Kritzer and Doug Kreeger, were spectacular! There were so many celebs in the audience including cutie Patrick Wilson, who was with his beautiful, pregnant wife Dagmara (they're expecting their second child), triple-threat Karen Ziemba, Tony Award winner Gary Beach and funny lady Jackie Hoffman, whom I just saw on an episode of "30 Rock." Speaking of Jackie, I had a party recently, and on the Evite it said, "Party begins at 6 PM so you can bring your kids!" Jackie responded in the "Maybe" section of the Evite with the qualification: "How many children will be there?"  Continued...

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