ONSTAGE & BACKSTAGE: A Bloody Good Week

By Seth Rudetsky
August 25, 2008

It's the last week of summer! That's perfect because I'm at my winter weight. That's right, I'm at the perfect weight to be covered in bulky sweaters that hide the handles of love and shapeless down jackets that disguise the waist/hips. Yes, I know that it's still August, but I've always been ahead of the curve.

I just got back from Massachusetts and then Pennsylvania. The end of my Provincetown foray was great. The only mar was the complete lack of interest in me and my career. I was at the local gym there (Mussel Beach), and I heard them playing Sirius radio. I was so excited! Between my hosting on the Broadway and dance re-mix channel (seriously…I'm down with it!), I'm essentially on all day long. I asked the guy behind the desk if it was Sirius playing, he said yes and then I dropped the bombshell that would make him freak out. I stepped back and told him, "I'm a deejay on Sirius!" My words hung in the air as I detected a slight movement of his head. He was obviously a film actor because the nod of interest he gave me could only be read if the camera was in an extreme close-up. I slunk away back to the inner thigh machine. The next day I was back at Mussel Beach, and they were actually playing The Beat, which is the dance re-mix station I deejay every night! I ran up to the new guy behind the desk and asked, breathlessly . . .

ME: "Do you ever listen to this station at night?"
HIM: "No."
ME: (awkward pause, then) Oh…do they ever play it here?
HIM: (non-sequitor) The gym closes at 9.
ME: (silence…then) Oh… because I'm a dee-…fade out

Finally, I walked into a store selling lobster rolls, and they were blasting Sirius. I decided to try my luck again…and by "try" I mean "push."

ME: Hi! Do you ever listen to the Broadway sta-
HIM: No.
Silence

The axiom I learned is: Never combine my need for attention with a town's utter disregard for feigned interest. I did a video acting out the whole debacle and posted it on my website if you care to see me post-devastation (www.SethRudetsky.com).

On Tuesday I played piano at Classical Varla, a concert benefiting the AIDS Support Group of Cape Cod. Mark Cortale, who's Varla's manager and an operatic tenor, produced it. A few months before, he happened to run into a local "Provincetownian" named Christopher Flint, who said he sang classical bass. Mark mentioned that maybe he could sing in the Classical Varla concert. Mark then told Varla, who didn't quite understand, and told Chris he was singing four solos! Mark was panicked because he never heard Chris sing and if he stank, it would be horrifying to fire someone from a benefit. Turns out, Chris has a fantastic voice! Phew! A couple of days before the concert, Chris told me he was getting sick of his regular material and wished he had something new. I recommended "I've Heard it All Before," which John Cullum sang in Shenandoah. I played it for him and he loved it. I assumed he'd put it in next year's concert, but, turns out, he learned it by Tuesday and it brought the house down! Also in the concert was the brilliant Nell Snaidas, who is a super-high soprano with an unbelievable tone. Her voice is so glorious. If you have the Actors Fund recording of Hair that I put together, you'll know her as the high soprano singing the obbligato line in "Hare Krishna." Brava! Mark sang tons of tenor arias and nailed all of his high notes and was also hilarious in the Samson and Delilah love duet he sang with Varla (Varla is around 6'5" in her heels and Mark is around 5'8"…in heels…and he wasn't wearing any…'nuff said). Speaking of his lack of height, he told a hilarious story at one of the first Classical Varla concerts. He was auditioning for an opera agent and after he sang all of these leading man tenor songs, the agent said that Mark would be perfect for the role of Mime in Wagner's "Ring Cycle." Mark wasn't familiar with the role but was thrilled that the agent was so sure he could get a lot of work playing that role worldwide. Mark went home and looked up the character Mime in his Big Book of Opera and found this description: MIME – An old, ugly dwarf. Ouch. Mark is actually great looking, so the story got a big laugh in the concert. However, afterwards, a short, not-very-attractive older woman approached and said, "I loved your story about the dwarf role being perfect for you. You know, (she then lowered her voice consolingly)…people like us…we're cute…but we'll never be beautiful." She then smiled wistfully and walked away. What the-? Mark told that story for a laugh — not to be treated like he was Bebe from A Chorus Line!

Varla sang a ton of classical stuff (including the gorgeous duet from "Lachme" with Nell) and then the show ended with a musical theatre segment. Ricky Graham (who stars with Varla in the parody, "Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte") came out like Henry Higgins and implored Varla to speak correctly.

VARLA: The rine in spine stiys minly in the pline
HIGGINS: No!
VARLA: The rine in spine stiys minly in the pline
HIGGINS: Eliza! We are dealing with the majesty of the English language. Now once more…
VARLA: The rine in spine stiys minly in the pline
HIGGINS: Oh, for God's sake, just pretend you're Madonna.
VARLA: (with perfect British dialect) The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
My favorite lyric change was when she sang "I could have spread my wings and done a hundred things I've never done….recently." The next night she was one of the models on "Project Runway"…and her outfit won! Check out her winning look at ProjectRunway.com.

James and I also went to see the comedic/hostile stylings of Judy Gold, who is always hilarious. She talked about going into shock that morning in Provincetown because she saw an Asian baby…with Asian parents! She was like, "Where is your Mommy?" Judy is famous for talking about her mother, who is as annoying, I mean, as "colorful" as mine, and Judy said that she recently had this conversation with her.

JUDY'S MOM: What did 'ya do today?
JUDY: I took the kids to the beach.
JUDY'S MOM: They didn't wear sunscreen?
JUDY: *silence* No, Mom…actually, I covered an area of the beach with tin foil and gave them a couple of barbiturates to knock 'em out. Then I sprayed them with baby oil and now we're on our way to the burn center.

Brava! Go to JudyGold.com and make sure you click on the button that says "Don't Click Here".

	Loretta Ables Sayre

Last week at the Chatterbox (www.SethsBroadwayChatterbox.com), I interviewed the Tony-nominated Loretta Ables Sayre. She has that great spirit people from Hawaii all seem to have. But, turns out, she is originally from California, and she didn't move to Hawaii 'til she was ten. If you've seen the show, you know that she has a fantastic voice. She made her living in Hawaii as a "chick singer"…singing big band classics in beautiful resorts. I asked her if she fantasized about having a Broadway career, and she said that Broadway seemed completely unattainable. Just distance-wise, it was massive. Even California is far away from Hawaii, so New York seemed impossible. However, while living there, she became friends with a transplanted Broadway actor named Randl Ask. I know Randl because I played piano for his comedy act with Amy Stiller (Jerry and Anne Meara's daughter) way back in the early nineties. He then went on to star in Pageant as Miss Bible Belt and was brilliant. After that, he was Matthew Broderick's understudy in but then left New York for Hawaii. Anyhoo, while he was visiting New York he was having lunch with Ted Sperling, the music director for South Pacific, who told him that they were having trouble finding a Bloody Mary. Randl suggested that they actually travel to the South Pacific to find the role of a native. Joe Langworth, a casting director from Bernie Telsey's office, was heading for a vacation in Hawaii, and they asked him if he'd use one of his vacation days to hold auditions. He said yes, and notices were sent to all the theatres in Hawaii that there would be auditions for Bloody Mary. PS, there are no professional theatres in Hawaii…they're all community theatres. At that time, Loretta was doing very well with her band singing and her TV work. Lots of TV shows would film on the island, and she got some great gigs...including "Baywatch"! Plus, she did tons of voiceovers (she was the voice of PBS out there). However, on the day of the South Pacific audition, she decided she wouldn't go. She knew there were some terrific singers who would show up, and she couldn't think why she'd get the job instead of them. Plus, she was nervous because she had no real training, and the only big auditions she'd ever seen were on reality shows on TV. Essentially, she was scared of being humiliated. PS, that's what makes me crazy about "American Idol" and other reality shows: They act like that's the way auditioning is in the real world and it's not. Only on reality shows do the people behind the table try to destroy the performers coming in to audition — well, reality shows and my high school theatre department. But that's a story better told in my one-man-show, Rhapsody In Seth. (Suffice it to say, I'm still in a rage over getting an F in theatre class…in theatre class!)

	Loretta Ables Sayre in South Pacific
	photo by Joan Marcus

Back to Bloody Mary. Loretta told her husband that she wasn't going, and there was only half an hour before the audition. Her husband said that whatever bad feeling she'd get about auditioning, it wouldn't be as bad as wondering for the rest of her life what would have happened if she went. She then told him that it wasn't even an option because they sent her a packet of music and scenes to prepare and she didn't work on them. He told her that he'd drive her to the audition so she could learn them on the way. She said that he drove, and she belted out the songs in the car/looked at the scenes, but when she got there she was terrified. She finally calmed herself by telling herself that she could only be who she was. She didn't have a vast amount of acting or vocal training, and that was the reality. All she could be was herself. Joe was very nice and had her sing so he could film her for the creative staff to see. Right after she sang "Bali Ha'i," he asked her to do the ending in head voice, instead of belting it. She was devastated and thought that she blew it, but he just wanted to show the creative team that she could do it. He explained that it would take several weeks for everyone to see the video, and then she'd hear whether or not she had a call back. Two days later, she got a call telling her that they were flying her to New York for her call back! She had six weeks to prepare, and then she and her husband flew to JFK. As she was describing how momentous the trip was, she started crying and said that, "What are the probabilities of a Filipino girl who grew up in Hawaii flying to New York to be seriously considered for a Broadway musical?" Her audition was at Lincoln Center and, walking to it, she passed big posters with pictures of Yo Yo Ma and Beverly Sills, and she was so overwhelmed with feelings that people who worked in a place like this would take the time to see her. It didn't matter to her if she got the job, she was just so moved by the fact that they thought she could possibly do it. She was told that she'd have one audition for the creative team, and then she would have one more for all the Lincoln Center higher ups and the representatives from the Rodgers and Hammerstein Organization. She was incredibly nervous/panicking as she sang and read for the director, Bartlett Sher. She said she couldn't breathe and had total dry mouth (see me running into Cheyenne Jackson). Her phrasing was a mess because she couldn't breathe. She was positive that she had blown it with the director. She spent that night sobbing through dinner but finally calmed herself down by doing what she did before the first audition. She told herself that they didn't ask if she had Juilliard acting training, they didn't ask whether she had 20 years of vocal lessons. All she could do was be herself. The next day she had a work session with the director, where he took her in every direction dramatically, and she loved it. He asked her to try the character in many different ways: angry, desperate, vulnerable. She now realizes that he was trying to see how directable she was, but at that point she just loved it because it was like a master class. She showed up on Monday for her final audition and sat outside the rehearsal room, terrified, holding a shrunken head (!) that someone made for her before she left. The whole cast of the last play she did gathered in her dressing room before she left and gave it kisses, blessed it and sent it love. Right before 4 PM, she began thinking of her father. She told us that he was a field laborer with a sixth grade education. He learned how to write by lining up grains of rice on a plate.

	Seth in Lancaster, PA

His dream was for his children to have a better life, but unfortunately, he never heard her sing professionally. She then prayed to have all of the angels who brought her to this point in her life present with her. Suddenly at 3:55, she felt them all and said it was like the Verizon commercial where someone says, "This is my network," and they're surrounded by like 40 people. She walked in and saw that she had to audition for around 15 people. She performed all of the material and, after she was done, they asked her to wait outside. She came back, and the director said, "We talked amongst each other, and we all wanted to be here to tell you this." Then he paused. She hoped he would say that she got the understudy because then it would mean that she would get to perform at Lincoln Center. He then said, "Loretta, you got the part. Will you be our Bloody Mary?" She stood there and waited for him to say understudy. Finally, he said, a little more sassily, "Darling. You got the part! What do you think?" She burst into tears and said what people in Hawaii say when they're happy, "I want to take you all home and cook for you!" He then introduced her to Mary Rodgers (daughter of Richard) and Alice Hammerstein (daughter of Oscar). As she was describing this at the Chatterbox, she started crying again and said that those were names she had seen on TV and on records. And to think that people connected to those two musical theatre icons thought she was qualified to perform their work overwhelmed her. Right after the audition, she went up to see her husband, who was waiting at the fountain at Lincoln Center. She told him that she got the part, and he said that he wasn't surprised because as he was sitting at the fountain he suddenly felt angels around him...He made sure to look at his watch when it happened and it was 3:55! How amazing is that!

My final trip last week was to Lancaster, PA, to do my comedy show, Deconstructing: The Good, The Bad and the Headache-y at the Fulton Theater. It went over amazingly! I've never done the show outside of New York (let alone in Amish Country), and I'm so glad to know that it works. I've now decided to tour all religious enclaves. Next stop: Salt Lake City.

My final comment is: What's with someone taking the time to review my audio book just to give it one star!?!?!? I got a slew of five star reviews and then someone not only gave me one star, but said that the narrator (played by me) was one of those people who are like (direct quote) "Hey, if you don't listen to me, I will just become louder and more annoying until you do listen to me!" That is my subtext in life, but how dare he write it! All I can say is, if you like the audio book, please counteract his review by writing something not as honest…I mean, cruel. Go to www.audible.com/broadwaynights to bring my rating back up to five stars and/or read how much Steve from Arlington hated it. I'll be back next week…the start of September and the premiere of my new/updated/crazily amazing website!

*

(Seth Rudetsky is the host of "Seth's Big Fat Broadway" on SIRIUS Satellite Radio and the author of "The Q Guide to Broadway" and the novel "Broadway Nights." He has played piano in the orchestras of 15 Broadway musicals and hosts the BC/EFA benefit weekly interview show Seth's Broadway Chatterbox at Don't Tell Mama every Thursday at 6 PM. He can be contacted by visiting www.sethsbroadwaychatterbox.com.)